Everything I Never Wanted To Be... A Memoir about Alcoholism and Addiction, Faith and Family, Hope and Humor
Once upon a time, in a land, far, far away, Phoenix Arizona, there was a family...
Mom sat on the couch and drank beer while dad smoked marijuana and they raised three beautiful daughters. The two oldest girls grew to be teens and in an odd twist of fate, they began to drink beer and smoke marijuana. The little one didn't, because, she was little. So, mom had a Oprah light bulb moment and stopped drinking beer. Then dad had a light bulb thing that he claims has nothing to do with Oprah, and quit smoking marijuana.
But the children were not interested in not drinking beer and smoking marijuana, so they continued until the little one began drinking beer and smoking marijuana. So as the mom and dad are having these light bulb moments, all the children are drinking beer and smoking marijuana. The older one was not satisfied with the beer or marijuana so she began to use crack and heroin because it's more bang for your buck.
Then the older one got the light bulb, and she quit taking everything including aspirin. Then the little got bored very early on and she began using meth and heroin at the age of fifteen. The mom had quit, the dad had quit and the oldest had quit. But the little one and the middle one are still having the time of their life. Then, the little one quit. But the oldest one started back up. The middle one quit and then the little one started. The little one quit again and then the mom started. At this point, even the dog was on probation. Then the dad started, but then the mom and dad quit. The oldest stopped, then started, then stopped then started and eventually everyone in the house had a warrant and the shit was hitting the fan on a regular basis.
The mom's old, sick mother came to live with them and the middle one has a son with Cerebral Palsy and the two of them watch as people quit and then don't quit. The family lied to the grandmother and told her that all the activity was just one of her hallucinations and she believed them.
This is a story about a family, in a land far, far away, Phoenix Arizona, that at some point the people have quit and not quit every substance known to man. And will they ever all quit at the same time? Everyday is different, isn't it? Stranger things have happened.
Mom sat on the couch and drank beer while dad smoked marijuana and they raised three beautiful daughters. The two oldest girls grew to be teens and in an odd twist of fate, they began to drink beer and smoke marijuana. The little one didn't, because, she was little. So, mom had a Oprah light bulb moment and stopped drinking beer. Then dad had a light bulb thing that he claims has nothing to do with Oprah, and quit smoking marijuana.
But the children were not interested in not drinking beer and smoking marijuana, so they continued until the little one began drinking beer and smoking marijuana. So as the mom and dad are having these light bulb moments, all the children are drinking beer and smoking marijuana. The older one was not satisfied with the beer or marijuana so she began to use crack and heroin because it's more bang for your buck.
Then the older one got the light bulb, and she quit taking everything including aspirin. Then the little got bored very early on and she began using meth and heroin at the age of fifteen. The mom had quit, the dad had quit and the oldest had quit. But the little one and the middle one are still having the time of their life. Then, the little one quit. But the oldest one started back up. The middle one quit and then the little one started. The little one quit again and then the mom started. At this point, even the dog was on probation. Then the dad started, but then the mom and dad quit. The oldest stopped, then started, then stopped then started and eventually everyone in the house had a warrant and the shit was hitting the fan on a regular basis.
The mom's old, sick mother came to live with them and the middle one has a son with Cerebral Palsy and the two of them watch as people quit and then don't quit. The family lied to the grandmother and told her that all the activity was just one of her hallucinations and she believed them.
This is a story about a family, in a land far, far away, Phoenix Arizona, that at some point the people have quit and not quit every substance known to man. And will they ever all quit at the same time? Everyday is different, isn't it? Stranger things have happened.
The People On The Shoreline
We are drowning. I am drowning with you. To show you how much I love you. I love you so much I will gasp for air with you. Because that's how much I love you.But there are others... on the shore line. Waiting for me to get their lunch. A nine year old little boy that wants to ride bikes and laugh. He can eat a whole pizza by himself but he likes to share with me. He smiles.I can feel your hand slipping, away, and away. My heart is in a million pieces. I think it may be selfish to save myself. You may think I didn't love you. I can feel your finger tip and the water moving us further apart. We are suffocating. Together. Because that's how much I love you. Do I love you so much that if you continued to fall, I would fall too?Little boys always want the bike to go faster. Faster and faster. I tell him to be careful. He ignores me smiling. I kiss him. I love him too.I am drowning. For me to come up and out of the water, I have to let you go. I have to let go of your sweet hand. I need a breath. One big breath. I can see the sun shining on the top of the water and it calls me.The people on the shore call me. They want ice cream because that's a thing that people want. Nothing more. Nothing less. It's a simple choice. Chocolate.I just want you to know that drowning with you serves no point. It won't fix it. It won't fix you.So I will ride the bike and laugh and look at the water and waves and turn away. Because that's what we do after we almost drown.... turn away. And with that we have saved ourselves. But wow, I love you. I really, really love you. I'm sorry.
This has been on my mind for weeks. No, there is nothing wrong with me. I went to a funeral and now my mom is not great. So the idea of 'mortality' is on my mind. When you have to plan a funeral for a person, there is so much to do in a really short amount of time. So, I'd like to make it easy for my Family and friends....
I would like to be cremated. I do not want, I don't care how much money I have, to spend ten thousand dollars on a cushioned box. I want someone to go to Ross Dress For Less and go to the housewares area and find me something that could double as an 'ern' that's fun, yet, subtle. Some of the items in Ross are questionable. Like don't put my ashes in a pig cookie jar where the pig nose is a handle to the top of the jar. Have some taste.
Although I want to be cremated, I WANT TO BE BURIED! PERIOD! I don't want my daughters walking around the house having a laugh about something and then look up and there I am in a pig cookie jar. So they stop laughing, like, "Oh, so, there's dead mom. Great."
I want good music and I want it playing when people are walking in the 'place' so they don't sit there acting nervous and uncomfortable. Pink, Keith Urban, Rascal Flatts, Cat Stevens, Ricky Lee Jones, Michael Jackson, James Taylor.... you know what I like. If you could wedge in 'Prince, Raspberry Beret', that would be great. Crank it up.
Now... during the service they do a thing called a 'Tribute'. That's where someone walks up and talks about how blessed the world is that you were here. I have taken the time to write my own so no one has to say weird things about how I lit up the room and shit like that. So typically a family member would read this...
MY TRIBUTE
So, if someone is reading this, well, (long dramatic pause) I am no longer here. I'm not thrilled to be in this position, but it is what it is. Jennifer, April, Carly and my new son Michael... I love you guys. Know that you don't have to be unhappy. Know that there is a whole happy way to live out there waiting for you. Go get it. John. You are the love of my life. Till death did us part. To my siblings and nieces and nephews... thank you for loving me and thank you for all the laughs.
For those people I've hurt. Well, sorry. For all the people that I don't like and don't like me. Nothings changed. You were a douche bag while I was alive and you remain a douche bag in my death. I will take my complete disgust at the sight of you to my grave. And being that it's obvious that I am getting to heaven first, because you are sitting there and I'm in this pig cookie jar, the first order of business is to go to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and throw your ass so hard under the bus your head will spin. Just know that every time you slip on some ice, there is someone in heaven laughing their ass off. By the time you get to heaven, the Lord will want no part of you and know what a bullshitter you are.
Also, don't anyone go being all sad. I am in heaven. I win. The conditions of my life on earth were so ridiculous, that I earned my place in heaven. Heaven is a great place. They say it's like Vegas. And I know some people in heaven, so don't be sad. Well, I guess you could be sad for a little while just out of respect, but don't over-do.
I have had a life of laughter. I have had a great time. I have been lucky. Please come to my reception afterwards as U2 will be playing. (I understand if you can't pull that one off) I love all of you guys. Well... 'all' is a big word.
(Fade to black while any Carpenters song plays in the darkness)
If by chance, John (my husband) we have won the lottery or are swimming in money there is one thing I never did in my life that I could actually implement at the departure party. I would like my ashes sitting on a half moon that will be dramatically lowered from the ceiling while the song 'If I Could Turn Back Time', by Cher, blasts through the grieving people. I want the half moon to be glittery, bedazzled and a real show stopper. That way it would be so
dramatic that people would say, "Oh my, it's Dina's ashes sitting on the moon in that pig jar. This is the best funeral I have ever been to."
Also, and not a big thing if you can't make it happen. A few days ago I saw a 7 or 8 year old little boy wearing a tshirt. It had a photo, of the Lord Jesus Christ (our personal savior) and right under Jesus was a photo of a man throwing a gang sign.... then of course the whole RIP and a date. I'd like that. Something people could just
throw on and wear to Wal Mart. That's it for now. But I think I've really covered the main things..... Love you and I think this whole thing is really gonna be a lot of fun! Way, way down the road!
It will be many, many years before someone has to read this, but it's done. I may tweak somethings before then, but for now it would be good enough in a pinch, which death usually is. I think that covers it. Again, it will be a long, long time before this plan will need to be put in to action, but someone needs to make sure this shit happens.
Until then I will cry a little and laugh a lot...:)
I would like to be cremated. I do not want, I don't care how much money I have, to spend ten thousand dollars on a cushioned box. I want someone to go to Ross Dress For Less and go to the housewares area and find me something that could double as an 'ern' that's fun, yet, subtle. Some of the items in Ross are questionable. Like don't put my ashes in a pig cookie jar where the pig nose is a handle to the top of the jar. Have some taste.
Although I want to be cremated, I WANT TO BE BURIED! PERIOD! I don't want my daughters walking around the house having a laugh about something and then look up and there I am in a pig cookie jar. So they stop laughing, like, "Oh, so, there's dead mom. Great."
I want good music and I want it playing when people are walking in the 'place' so they don't sit there acting nervous and uncomfortable. Pink, Keith Urban, Rascal Flatts, Cat Stevens, Ricky Lee Jones, Michael Jackson, James Taylor.... you know what I like. If you could wedge in 'Prince, Raspberry Beret', that would be great. Crank it up.
Now... during the service they do a thing called a 'Tribute'. That's where someone walks up and talks about how blessed the world is that you were here. I have taken the time to write my own so no one has to say weird things about how I lit up the room and shit like that. So typically a family member would read this...
MY TRIBUTE
So, if someone is reading this, well, (long dramatic pause) I am no longer here. I'm not thrilled to be in this position, but it is what it is. Jennifer, April, Carly and my new son Michael... I love you guys. Know that you don't have to be unhappy. Know that there is a whole happy way to live out there waiting for you. Go get it. John. You are the love of my life. Till death did us part. To my siblings and nieces and nephews... thank you for loving me and thank you for all the laughs.
For those people I've hurt. Well, sorry. For all the people that I don't like and don't like me. Nothings changed. You were a douche bag while I was alive and you remain a douche bag in my death. I will take my complete disgust at the sight of you to my grave. And being that it's obvious that I am getting to heaven first, because you are sitting there and I'm in this pig cookie jar, the first order of business is to go to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and throw your ass so hard under the bus your head will spin. Just know that every time you slip on some ice, there is someone in heaven laughing their ass off. By the time you get to heaven, the Lord will want no part of you and know what a bullshitter you are.
Also, don't anyone go being all sad. I am in heaven. I win. The conditions of my life on earth were so ridiculous, that I earned my place in heaven. Heaven is a great place. They say it's like Vegas. And I know some people in heaven, so don't be sad. Well, I guess you could be sad for a little while just out of respect, but don't over-do.
I have had a life of laughter. I have had a great time. I have been lucky. Please come to my reception afterwards as U2 will be playing. (I understand if you can't pull that one off) I love all of you guys. Well... 'all' is a big word.
(Fade to black while any Carpenters song plays in the darkness)
If by chance, John (my husband) we have won the lottery or are swimming in money there is one thing I never did in my life that I could actually implement at the departure party. I would like my ashes sitting on a half moon that will be dramatically lowered from the ceiling while the song 'If I Could Turn Back Time', by Cher, blasts through the grieving people. I want the half moon to be glittery, bedazzled and a real show stopper. That way it would be so
dramatic that people would say, "Oh my, it's Dina's ashes sitting on the moon in that pig jar. This is the best funeral I have ever been to."
Also, and not a big thing if you can't make it happen. A few days ago I saw a 7 or 8 year old little boy wearing a tshirt. It had a photo, of the Lord Jesus Christ (our personal savior) and right under Jesus was a photo of a man throwing a gang sign.... then of course the whole RIP and a date. I'd like that. Something people could just
throw on and wear to Wal Mart. That's it for now. But I think I've really covered the main things..... Love you and I think this whole thing is really gonna be a lot of fun! Way, way down the road!
It will be many, many years before someone has to read this, but it's done. I may tweak somethings before then, but for now it would be good enough in a pinch, which death usually is. I think that covers it. Again, it will be a long, long time before this plan will need to be put in to action, but someone needs to make sure this shit happens.
Until then I will cry a little and laugh a lot...:)
This is what it feels like. You are in second grade. You do alright with your grades, your classmates. At home your parents think you are the most beautiful person alive. You are a second grader that someone would glance at and think, 'Cute little girl'. But, something is wrong. You're little so you don't understand. But you can feel that you are not like the other kids. They like you, but you secretly don't know why. Everyone around you acts like you blend, so you try to blend.
You grow older, and still, you just don't quite fit. You don't get it. You don't feel connected to other people. But you play along. You're in High School and you really can't let anyone know you feel this way. You never feel comfortable. Some days your skin crawls. You're nervous. You feel moments of panic like you are gasping for air. But no one can know because you're still blending. You look around and wonder what the secret is. Why am I just never quite good enough? You have to act normal and be the person people think you are. Not this shaking, frightened teenager. What it feels like is the feeling you get when you are under water. You know that little bit of panic right before your head surfaces? You walk through your school, or your home, or the mall and you feel different, and not in a good way. You can feel the pressure on your skin. And you have to get out. Because you're suffocating and not one person has a clue. You're hanging out with friends and someone has something, a drink or a drug. You give it a try for the first time. You will never be able to take this back.
You can feel your body coming up out of the water and you take a huge breath of air. You can feel the rush of relief. You can feel the warm sun on your face. You want to stretch your arms out and scream because you're not dead after all. For the first time in your life, you can breath. And it is fucking amazing after an entire life of suffocating. You suddenly, for the first time in your life, feel... like other people. You can breath. You are not just you, you are more you than you've ever been. You don't feel high, you feel like everyone else. Your skin stops crawling. You're not in complete panic. You are for the first time on your life.....alive and safe and calm.
The fact is that people who are not addicts do not have this reaction to drugs or alcohol. Normal people have a few drinks and feel a little floaty and think, that was fun. Or take a pill for an injury, (I know, but this is why normal people take pills) and you feel kind of happy and silly. An addict or alcoholic's brain chemistry reacts completely different. A drug or a drink is a life changer. You have saved your own life. It's an awakening from a life spent in loneliness and fear. And once you've surfaced, above the water, your brain will never let you forget it. From that moment on your brain says... get it, get it, get it, get more, get more, and it never quiets. It is relentless. It is bigger than you. It's so loud it's deafening. To tell an addict or alcoholic to stop is the equivalent to saying, "Go back under the water."
Making the choice to go back under the water is an impossible option. An addict will do the most horrifying, demoralising, immoral act to avoid going back under the water where they will no doubt die.
So what do we do? We must learn to live above the water without the drugs and booze. To feel the sun, and stretch our arms out and embrace and love life. We don't have to go back under the water... but we must find that tiny flame that burns in all of us and help it grow until that fire is so big, the stalking voice in our head, shuts the fuck up. Until then, you must protect that tiny flame because at the end of the day, it will be the only thing to build a new life on. And because we don't quite fit in our skin, it's like holding a candle in the wind. The fact is that I am still struggling. I had six years in sobriety. Then one day I didn't anymore. One day, I too, will accept that big breath of air...I will chose life. One day I'm under the water and the next, looking for something to pull me out. I can't self destruct to such a level that the little flame blows out. I can still feel the little flame in my heart, but I'm cupping with my hands with my back to the wind.
It's a life time deal, if I'm lucky, which most people aren't, I will be around to not only come out of the water without help and feed my fire, I will feel peace. I will also be laying on a raft with little pieces of gauze between my toes and be tan like the Kardashians.
You grow older, and still, you just don't quite fit. You don't get it. You don't feel connected to other people. But you play along. You're in High School and you really can't let anyone know you feel this way. You never feel comfortable. Some days your skin crawls. You're nervous. You feel moments of panic like you are gasping for air. But no one can know because you're still blending. You look around and wonder what the secret is. Why am I just never quite good enough? You have to act normal and be the person people think you are. Not this shaking, frightened teenager. What it feels like is the feeling you get when you are under water. You know that little bit of panic right before your head surfaces? You walk through your school, or your home, or the mall and you feel different, and not in a good way. You can feel the pressure on your skin. And you have to get out. Because you're suffocating and not one person has a clue. You're hanging out with friends and someone has something, a drink or a drug. You give it a try for the first time. You will never be able to take this back.
You can feel your body coming up out of the water and you take a huge breath of air. You can feel the rush of relief. You can feel the warm sun on your face. You want to stretch your arms out and scream because you're not dead after all. For the first time in your life, you can breath. And it is fucking amazing after an entire life of suffocating. You suddenly, for the first time in your life, feel... like other people. You can breath. You are not just you, you are more you than you've ever been. You don't feel high, you feel like everyone else. Your skin stops crawling. You're not in complete panic. You are for the first time on your life.....alive and safe and calm.
The fact is that people who are not addicts do not have this reaction to drugs or alcohol. Normal people have a few drinks and feel a little floaty and think, that was fun. Or take a pill for an injury, (I know, but this is why normal people take pills) and you feel kind of happy and silly. An addict or alcoholic's brain chemistry reacts completely different. A drug or a drink is a life changer. You have saved your own life. It's an awakening from a life spent in loneliness and fear. And once you've surfaced, above the water, your brain will never let you forget it. From that moment on your brain says... get it, get it, get it, get more, get more, and it never quiets. It is relentless. It is bigger than you. It's so loud it's deafening. To tell an addict or alcoholic to stop is the equivalent to saying, "Go back under the water."
Making the choice to go back under the water is an impossible option. An addict will do the most horrifying, demoralising, immoral act to avoid going back under the water where they will no doubt die.
So what do we do? We must learn to live above the water without the drugs and booze. To feel the sun, and stretch our arms out and embrace and love life. We don't have to go back under the water... but we must find that tiny flame that burns in all of us and help it grow until that fire is so big, the stalking voice in our head, shuts the fuck up. Until then, you must protect that tiny flame because at the end of the day, it will be the only thing to build a new life on. And because we don't quite fit in our skin, it's like holding a candle in the wind. The fact is that I am still struggling. I had six years in sobriety. Then one day I didn't anymore. One day, I too, will accept that big breath of air...I will chose life. One day I'm under the water and the next, looking for something to pull me out. I can't self destruct to such a level that the little flame blows out. I can still feel the little flame in my heart, but I'm cupping with my hands with my back to the wind.
It's a life time deal, if I'm lucky, which most people aren't, I will be around to not only come out of the water without help and feed my fire, I will feel peace. I will also be laying on a raft with little pieces of gauze between my toes and be tan like the Kardashians.
"Raw and funny." -- Joel Stein, Time Magazine columnist, Jan. 11,
2011
"Like a maelstrom." -- Gary Klinga, ForeWord Review, Oct. 5,
2010
"So absolutely over the top that it makes readers laugh out loud
and thank God it is not them." -- Robin Martin, San Francisco Book Review,
March 2011
"Malcolm in the Middle meets Cops." -- Jenny Mounfield, The
Compulsive Reader, Sept. 2010
"Open and honest." -- Charline Ratcliff,
Rebecca's Reads, Oct. 20, 2010
2011
"Like a maelstrom." -- Gary Klinga, ForeWord Review, Oct. 5,
2010
"So absolutely over the top that it makes readers laugh out loud
and thank God it is not them." -- Robin Martin, San Francisco Book Review,
March 2011
"Malcolm in the Middle meets Cops." -- Jenny Mounfield, The
Compulsive Reader, Sept. 2010
"Open and honest." -- Charline Ratcliff,
Rebecca's Reads, Oct. 20, 2010
